Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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