Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
