my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
All the doctor said was why
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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