You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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