dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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