Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
