I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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