I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
