I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
