I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
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