i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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