I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
