I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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