I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
