Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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