i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
