She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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