Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
