I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
