I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
