tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
