: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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