I think I died a long time ago.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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