I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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