WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
