Where is the hickey?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
