my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
