That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize