Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
