Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
