Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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