The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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