before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
