I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
