Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
