so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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