Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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