the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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