I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
