I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I AM VODKA MAN
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
