please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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