after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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