Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize