You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
