Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
