Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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