Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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