farters have to be the big spoon...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
