Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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