I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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