I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
