Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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