i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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