Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
