How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
