I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
